


This Thing We Don't Call Love

by tease



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drama and Angst, M/M, mental health?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 13:17:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2694494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tease/pseuds/tease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is being able to deal with all the problems life presents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Thing We Don't Call Love

**Author's Note:**

> Reupload from ffnet.

* * *

 

" _All love that has not friendship for its base,_ _  
 _Is like a mansion built upon the sand."__ – Ella Wheeler Wilcox

* * *

This thing we don't call love.

I don't know what it is.

Every day we meet, my heart beats quicker, my palms are sweatier. I lose control of my eyes, it's movements against everything I'm thinking.

The day we met, your hands daintily clean while mine were drenched in hand paint, I thought you were one of the cootie holders. You were pouting like it would dry those the blues and browns and blacks you used to paint your family. You were holding the brush like your dad was watching, like someone would admonish you for holding it crooked.

Your seriousness, in the middle of the rest of us having fun. It grated me.

So I jumped you.

And put a hand print on your family painting.

I thought it was fun.

I thought you would get mad and play fight with me.

But you just calmly took your painting and walked away. Asked the teacher if you could have another paper 'cause you had made a mistake.

 _I didn't like that_.

So the next time we made fake bento out of clay, a gift for our mommies, I took away your white dough. You couldn't make rice.

You looked for it, finally pointed those deep dark eyes my way and calmly, smoothly, took my white dough.

You still didn't say anything, but you had looked at me.

So next time we made paper crafts of our favorite food, while you asked the teacher for glue, I took your red and made an apple, cause it wasn't the tomato you wanted to make.

You looked at me, annoyed, and started walking up to me. Maybe to take the red that I hadn't turned to fishcake spirals. But then you kept turning the apple this way and that way and just stopped walking.

You looked up to me and it was weird, that coloring on your white cheeks, and walked away. A very smile on your face

_It was weird._

So every day I would do something, to get you looking my way. And you would look my way every time, while you ignored everyone else.

And so we kept doing this weird little routine. Until we hit third grade.

For a month you were gone, and I had no one to bother. Everyone liked me and, even when I annoyed them, they smiled and laughed at my antics, while you would pinch me or smacked me on the head for doing something stupid.

For that one month, I was quiet.

And when that month was done, you were quiet.

You didn't pay attention to anyone, only on your studies and the teachers. You kept going to the school office or the nurse. You kept sitting out for gym. All of our teachers accepted it.

_It was uncomfortable._

So when I saw you sitting under a shade, away from the cafeteria, I would sneak up behind you, and sit hidden by the tree. After you've eaten maybe half your bento, you'd stand, glance my way and walk to your next class, without a word. Rain or shine.

When you sat out for gym, I would get a muscle cramp or a headache. First so that I could just sit in your silence. Then so that I could talk your ears off about my day. Usually you would frown and try to find another place to sit. Every day.

I kept at it until you began getting annoyed, began yelling and, finally we fought. Oh we fought.

At the end of third grade, we brought each other to the nurse's office, my bloody nose and your bleeding lip. We stood against the principle, who threatened to expel us.

But I know that you felt the same as I did.

 _It was fun_ , twisted as that sounded.

So every couple of weeks we'd land in the nurse's office, soon after to the principal's office. He yelled that we shame our parents with these childish fights of ours. I said my mom called it bonding, you said you had no parents and it wasn't any of his business.

That day we got suspended, for one quiet week.

And back to the nurse's office we went, four weeks later. This time the principal gave us a month long detention, to clean our classroom every day. You scoffed and cuffed me on the head, but went ahead and cleaned with me. Or cleaned for me, since I was so clumsy.

We kept at it until middle school, much to everyone's annoyance.

With our fights came people with questions. People who became our friends. Sakura-chan, Neji, Shikamaru, Dog-breath. Our small group of friends.

And so you began noticing, everyone else around us.

_I was fine with it._

One day, when something Sakura-chan said made you whisper something back, I asked to go to the nurse. Feeling weird from the milk I drank for breakfast.

I stayed there for one, two, three hours. Just lying down and resting.

And you came by and said "Here I thought I was the only one who could send you to the nurse."

I blew a raspberry and you smiled. And smiled. And smiled.

I looked away and you said something. So I turned.

And you kissed me, with a smile still in your eyes.

And we fought, of course we fought. Someone _had_ to take control.

And you just smirked, laughed it off, called me an idiot and left.

So we kissed and touched and groped, whenever we were alone.

And we dance this little dance, away from everyone's prying eyes.

And I wonder…

I wonder if you'll ever say anything, about this thing we don't call love.


	2. This Poisonous Love Affair

* * *

" _For your poison love has stained the life blood_ _  
 _In my heart and soul dear_  
 _And I know our love was never meant to be__

…

_Still my heart cries out for you_ __  
_And you alone my darling_   
_It makes me never ever let you go_

_But my pleadings has all been in vain_ _  
 _For you and you alone dear_  
 _And my better judgment tells me to say no"__ – Jerry Garcia Band - Poison Love

 

* * *

 

Poison.

Those blond locks, those blue eyes.

Pink kissable lips, blushed cheeks.

She's poison, no matter how I look at her.

Every time the guys ask you to bring your lover, she came.

Her with the sickening shyness, her cute way of speech.

Her with the nauseating naiveté.

_Why…_

Elementary school… Middle school…

You had me all along.

Dog breath asked you if you've gone to a love hotel and you brush it off, claiming Kiba was nothing more than a pervert.

And three days later you come back with blossoming hickeys.

Proof of her wildness, her roughness. Her passion for all to see.

_Why?_

That day Sakura asked you if you had a girlfriend, as our Team 7 of the drama club sat in the shade of an oak tree, you smiled.

And avoided looking at me as you dodged the resulting questions she teasingly threw your way.

And then she directed those questions at me. Not if I was dating anyone, she didn't care other than telling me not to be stupid, but if I knew who the lucky mystery girl was so she could beat the crap out of her.

I laughed it off, since even I didn't know.

That night, after you snuck out of Kakashi's house into mine, you held me as we went to sleep. You, in my frog patterned pajamas, held me as you whispered.

"I should have a girlfriend."

It bothered me but I understood. Even I was being heckled.

After all, neither of us tried to date, even though the girls loved your aloofness and my athleticism.

But you never brought it up again after that, so I didn't think on it.

Not on the days we stole away to the school rooftop, to nap away from everyone under the cheery sun. Not on the days we ditched classes all together to mess around in Kakashi's house.

Until the next week, when I found a popular hair clip in my pants pocket, no doubt from you as we made out behind the bike rack. A gift to keep my unruly hair in place.

I wore it 'cause the girls found it cute and it kept my bangs from my eyes.

Two days later I bought lip balm, after your whining of my ramen cracked lips.

I liked it, since the limited ramen flavor annoyed the hell out of you when we kissed.

But on my birthday I found a dress shirt, your effort to wean me off graphic-tees.

And a skirt, which we had forgotten in my room after Sakura dieted and was too thin to wear it.

The blouse hung lost in my closet, I didn't really care since I loved my quirky shirts. The skirt I hid sandwiched between my mattress and bed frame, thinking I could give it to Sakura after Neji dumped her.

And so we kept on hiding our kisses and our touches, like ninjas doing stealth missions, while the other guys rated the girls.

Then one day you and I placed a bet, if Hinata would date Kiba after his love confession. And I lost, since you knew she pined for a teacher. So you gained a day of your choosing, which you didn't bring up for a while.

Until two days before the start of our sophomore year you called, pure confidence in your voice.

"I want a date with Naru."

And it clicked.

I was dubious about wearing anything girly, since you were the dainty fragile looking one. Hell, I called you beautiful quite a bit until you told me to quit it.

But as I tied my hair up with rubber bands and put the hairclip in my hair… As I put on the shirt you bought… The skirt and long socks I'd hidden within the skirt… I began understanding.

So to make the illusion more convincing she was the complete opposite, aside from her complexion.

And I was fine with it, as I held your hand in the mall and you stole kisses in the arcade.

I was fine with it, when the others mentioned that you glowed with how much you loved me.

I was fine.

So every day we felt stifled, childhood rivals in our classmates' eyes. And every other day Naru would meet you at the gates, a few minutes after I ran home.

And slowly we hung out less as you dated her. Showed her off more, clothed in things you've bought.

With Sakura's questioning gaze thrown your way and mine, you stood beside her with pride and love in your stance. In your expressions.

And every following day I consider throwing it all away. Burning her possessions.

But the bold way you handle me as you and her went on dates… The happiness you exuded…

I find myself hesitant.

Hating you and her.

And me.

And slowly I am dying, in this poisonous love affair.


	3. This Twisted Reality

* * *

 

_Well, love is insanity. The ancient Greeks knew that. It is the taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can't even think straight._   
**Marilyn French**

* * *

 

I'd never once thought of sanity.

Of whether or not I'd lose mine.

My mom once told me that love makes everyone crazy,

So I've never really cared.

But two days after I dumped you and threw _her_ away, I began to notice missing nights.

At first it was just once a week, on days we bumped into each other, argued and fought.

I chalked it up to my anger-rage-hate- _hurt_.

And I was fine with it because Mom had told me love makes everyone crazy.

And I don't know about you but a night without a memory, that sounds pretty crazy.

But then I lost a whole week, and found welts and bruises, just like our passionate days.

So I began watching you. Acting like nothing had happened between us.

Saw how you would try to sneak a peek at me and quickly look away when I caught you.

You had nothing to frown about, and yet you did it every day.

You weren't losing days, as if they were trash.

You weren't waking up with splotchy skin, with no memory of how and why.

So every day you'd look for me at school, I'd rush to the nurse's office.

_You_ didn't scare me but you scared me. This thing between you and I.

So I planned to tell my mom that I'm being bullied, and ask if we could move.

I wanted to move away.

I needed to move away.

But you must have seen something that tipped you off.

Must have felt something.

Cause ramming me up against my own house fence is the most fucked up way to say hello.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?" You whisper with a frown,

Like it would stop people from noticing your hands holding my wrists against cold metal.

I knew you won't let go even if I sprained my wrist

So I aim for your balls with a knee,

But of course speed of a star soccer player is no match for a karate black belt.

"You give me the cold shoulder and…" your eyebrows twitch lower, "is something wrong at home?"

I open my mouth and aim for another kick, hoping the worry on your face is enough distraction.

Fucking black belt.

"Stop that," a bruising, warning squeeze, "is that pervert treating you well?"

"You're the fucking pervert, _let go!_ " I look past your shoulder.

Only to see a blushing female student from our school tucking away her cell-phone.

You let go of my wrists to plant tense fingers on my shoulders.

"I can't fix whatever is wrong with you if you're throwing a hissy fit."

I glance at your right hand now massaging my left shoulder,

And throw a punch at your stupid scrunched-up face.

You stagger back, spit and straighten up with a hand on your left cheek.

You could have avoided that.

Why didn't you?

" _You're what's the matter with me?"_ I yell at you,

hoping someone would take me-you away before we fuck up more.

"The hell? You've been avoiding me by day and sneaking into my room at night." I watch you wipe bloody spit from your lips.

What…

"You neurotic psycho," you sigh and stuff your hands in your pocket. The freaking posture of the student council president.

My chest constricts…

"I'm bringing you to the hospital," you make a clicking sound with your tongue and bring out a cell-phone.

I don't remember…

"Jiraiya told me give you time but I've had it," you sigh again and turn your attention to the phone.

That wasn't me…

"Kakashi, we need a ride," you glance up at me and then away, you grit your teeth.

That wasn't me…

"It's important," your face scrunches up again, "Kakashi now."

She's not me…

"Please, Naru-"

" _That wasn't me_! _"_ I tackle you to the ground and the phone falls further with a crack, _"how could you?"_

"Of course it's you!" You make no effort to stand, "you're the only retard with that equally retarded ramen pin."

" _We broke up!"_

" _You decided, not us!"_

" _That wasn't me!"_

You frown harder and my world spins as you pin me with your calloused hands.

"It has always, _always_ , been you," you scrutinize my face, "you're the only idiot with those blue eyes and dumbass logic."

"You…you want her," I try to wrestle an arm free, watching the sidewalk fog and waver.

"I thought it was a kink of yours," I feel you let go and sit straighter

"Then why did you leave me alone," I close my eyes from your looks.

"I…" Your weight leaves for a while and I make a sound,

open my eyes to see your face inches above mine.

"Everyone thought you needed time to mourn," your face moves closer, "Kushina-san and Minato-san were the best parents anyone could ever have."

Mom telling me that everything will work out…

"Jiraiya told me you were still avoiding their altars so I didn't think it was right for me to barge in."

Dad smiling back at me…

"But three weeks ago you came to my room so I thought we were alright."

Mom waving good-bye as dad drove them to the airport.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you."

Mom and dad calling to say they love me.


End file.
